Here we go again
This is one of my favourite songs by Whitesnake in on of the best years of my life. I felt confident, happy, self assured and no worries, other than putting petrol in my car and getting to the next motor rally on time and going to the gym in Stalybridge, often. In fact The Village Gym is the only gym I have enjoyed as much as Casablancas.
This was me then, I thought I was overweight, looking back I hear a phrase "I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat"
Well since then I have had three children who are now wonderful adults, a husband who has had kidney failure and a transplant, 2 grandparents die of cancer and the third of dementia, a brother died of stage 4 pancreatic cancer (that one really hit me hard) and my dad survived colon cancer at 77 years. Pancreatic cancer stealing my brother hit me badly, the weight I had struggled to keep down post children suddenly piled on. I enjoy food, and when I am sad I enjoy quick food. I was there for my children and my parents but noone, not even myself, realised the weight was an outward sign that inside I was not coping very well. Fast forward to Christmas 2020 and after lockdown which I managed by doing my usual, work and cooking, I (and much of the rest of the world) ended up more than the woman I was; in more ways than one.
Yes I had taken the exams I now required (that's another blog) and I was now qualified to do what I had been doing for decades anyway. However I still had not dealt with the issues that caused the weight gain, no worries the gym will help avoid the reality.
It was not all bad, I could polish up ok but nothing fits ! and I have no money to buy new.
So, all is well. I stay at the Academy, wear jeans, tee shirts and baggy jumpers and I can fool all the people all, ok most, of the time. Except one, me.
Well I was wrong then, I still needed to sort my head out and that would come with knowledge and self awareness, not calorie counting, My Fitness Pal, cutting carbs or slim fast (tried them all). I have proved that a personal trainer does not work unless I want it too, and I have also proved Gym and Swim membership achieves nothing if attendance does not happen. To be honest even with attendance nothing would have happened as my will power is strong, especially when applied against something; in this case me. Me working against me is not good. 2021 proved this. If this carries on I will be with my brother soon by one means or another, self sabotage is not what was intended, its a side effect logic cannot resolve. So I have worked through a few things.
Firstly, I am not my brother we always were totally different, but we were best friends.
Secondly, it is not my fault, for not going to see him much (or at all) in Oxford, that he died. In fact it is about as much my fault as it is Simon Cowells (he was watching X Factor when he died).
Thirdly, the best way to honor losing him is to be a better me for him. He lived in Bristol, my dad went to The Christie to survive. Even The Christie cannot battle stage 4 pancreatic and win.
& fourth if my weight continues to move as it is, no matter how slow, I will either get diabetes, cancer or any others I do not want to think about my actions need to mirror my words, I want to live and achieve much in the time I have left. I am now and always will be, the age my brother did not make, I will live it for us both.
My dad got colon cancer, that hit me hard too, I was convinced it was the end. He is amazing and pulled through chemo I do not know how, I had to take him for each 'saving' shot of poison. BUT he did it, it took time and he gave it his all to fight to live. If he can do it at 77 years old, I can too. I am my father's daughter; rather too head strong and focused.
So I have set up a Just Giving page, I aim to lose 100 pounds by the 8th anniversary of my brothers passing. 21st February 2023. 8 years being a complete octave I am hoping this eighth anniversary I will be able to stand and say I have done it.
For every 1 pound I lose I will add £2 to this Just Giving page. If you would like to help me and donate to The Christie please donate too. Maybe when I have reached £30 donated by me or £60 I will advertise it and tell people what I am doing, we will see. For now I feel terrible having let myself get to this place. This only positive is I can build towards a legacy for Martin, the brother I loved more than perhaps he knew; and I still do. (Trying to type through the tears that still fall is difficult - miss you Martin, I rarely say it because it still hurts too much.)
So who is my brother, his name is Martin, happy times, I cannot even remember where this place was, it could have been America, but I love the photo, I may share others over the year and a bit; let's see how it goes.
I will track progress with https://www.strava.com/ as it is used by Just Giving but I will also be using Google Fit and Fit Track scales. Updates posted on this site and the social media to go with it. This will only work with logic, knowledge and being informed, that is how I work.
Food choices and stats I will be listing here on my site alongside my work, this is also work now as both are an investment of now in the future. Any advise please let me know. Target date: 15/02/2023 Target:
See the scales read 100 pounds less,
As healthy as I can be
Walk 5 miles without being exhausted after 5 minutes
Eat fresh and healthy
To have the energy to clean the house correctly
Run up the stairs without being out of breath.
Raise at least £200 for The Christie to fight the Pancreatic Cancer thief that stole my brother from his parents, his sister, his wife and his two kids.